Forgotten holiday

It makes me sad how Thanksgiving is the forgotten holiday for a lot of people. For so many it is just a day to eat lots, lay around, and prepare to shop on Friday. I am already tired of seeing the Christmas "stuff" around in the stores. Some places have had Christmas displays since before Halloween. I remember as a kid there was no signs of Christmas until after Thanksgiving was over. Thanksgiving was a true holiday with a distinct purpose. I plan on really looking back at the last year and giving thanks to God for all of the blessings he has given me. There are so many! To me that is what Thanksgiving is all about.

Last of the firsts

I apologize to everyone who reads this blog and may be sick of reading about the death of my husband. Sometimes writing my feelings down is very therapeutic and I use this avenue to do that. So...please bear with me.

Tomorrow (Friday November 9th) marks the one year anniversary of Gerrell going to be with Jesus. I really can't believe it has been a year. I didn't know how I would feel about this anniversary and honestly have been dreading this day all year. But...once again God has intervened and blessed me with a very peaceful feeling. Over the past few weeks, I have re-lived Gerrell's last weeks of life over and over and have realized again how merciful God was in this situation. He saw how much Gerrell was suffering and decided there was a much better place for him. I am so thankful for that. Yes...I miss Gerrell very, very much but I wouldn't have wanted him to go on the way he was any longer.

It is so comforting to know Gerrell is in heaven watching over me. My own personal angel! I can't wait to get to heaven to be reunited with him. I have so much to tell him.

It was a great season

Today I am lamenting the end of an era. It may not be a well known era to most people but to my family it is. Yesterday afternoon, my nephew Levi played the last football game of his high school career. And what a year it was! Before this year, he didn't get to play much because he was always overshadowed by those a grade or two above him. He worked very hard all summer lifting weights and conditioning. The team ended the season with a 6-4 record which is much better than anyone expected.

Now let's talk about Levi's season as an individual. He played in all 10 games. He ran for a total of 1900 yards and broke the school record for total yards in a season (the old record was 1608) and total yards rushing in a game. He ran for 293 yards against St. Cloud Cathedral (the old record was 257). Yesterday he tied the record for number of touchdowns in a season with 21. He had 3 games where he ran for over 200 yards. He was named West Central North Conference Performer of the Week, KSAX TV Athlete of the Week (that got him a TV interview!), and Hardware Hank "Nuts and Bolts" Athlete of the Week for the week of October 9th.

Congratulations Levi on a great season! I am so proud of you---not only for the great season but more importantly for the wonderful young man you are.

Following your dreams

Last weekend I attended the Women of Faith conference. The preconference was done by Sheila Walsh and Dr. Henry Cloud. They talked about following your dreams and it was really eye opening for me. I realized something that was pertinent in my life in the past and may be pertinent now. It has to do with marriage. Dr. Cloud shared a story of a women he had counseled in the past. She was about 40 years old and her dream was to get married. He asked her what she had done to work towards her dream and her response was she hadn't done anything because in her mind, if God wanted her to be married, he would bring someone into her life to marry. His question to her was "Do you think God is going to drop that man on your door step?". He helped her figure out what she needed to do to find that special someone and she is now married and is a dating counselor.

I kind of had the same viewpoint as the woman in this story when in my 20's and early 30's. I always dreamed of being married but figured if that was in God's plan for me, he would make it happen. Well, it didn't happen until I started looking. When I looked, he pointed out who he had in mind for me. I found that special someone when I was 35 and was married when I was 38.

I am facing that same thing now. I am a widow at 43 and I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life alone. I don't think that is what Gerrell would want for me. I didn't really mind being single in my 20's and 30's but now that I know how great marriage and having a soul mate can be, I really miss having that constant companion. What do I do? Sometimes when I think about it, I have these feelings of guilt that I am even thinking about it. Searching for someone doesn't exactly excite me. Having someone dropped on my doorstep would be a lot easier. :o) Any advice would be appreciated!

Yet another anniversary

Today marks yet another anniversary. It was one year ago today my Mom and I drove Gerrell to Mayo for the last time. He had gotten so weak and frail and I didn't know what else to do. He resisted going but I explained I thought it was the best thing for us to do. I never expected I would return home 2 1/2 weeks later without him. I have a feeling he knew what was in store for him and that is why he resisted. Maybe I should have just kept him at home and he wouldn't have had to endure all he went through in the quest to make him better. Like they say--hindsight is 20/20. We didn't know they that he had cancer and that is real reason he was so sick. I miss him so much and I dread having to endure the next anniversary--the anniversary of the day he died. I love you Sweetie.

Proud Aunt

My nephew Levi is having an outstanding football season. He is a high school senior and is a running back. In 5 games, he has 935 yards rushing. How cool is that? In game 2 of the season, he had 293 yards and 4 touchdowns in one game. I am so proud of him for his accomplishments--but I am even more proud of him because of the person he is. He is so humble about his accomplishments and doesn't really even like to talk about it. So...I do plenty of talking about it to everyone I know. He now has many fans that don't even know him and have never seen him play. Every night I thank God for the great young man he is--and I am so thankful God gave me the opportunity to be his aunt!

A substitute for motherhood

I have often wondered why motherhood was not in God's plan for me. I, like most women, always thought I would someday be a wife and mother. I waited a long time to be a wife but I now know why I had to be patient about that. I have been blessed, however, with a wonderful substitute for motherhood---that is being the aunt of 2 wonderful kids. My only niece and nephew are twins and they equate to having 2 kids of my own. I have been very involved in their lives since they were born 17 1/2 years ago and that is such a blessing to me. They are so special to me and I love them like they were my own. Thank you God for Levi and Lindsey and the wonderful opportunity to be part of their lives.

Time

It always amazes me how time just seems to go on. It doesn't matter what else is going on. The days, hours, minutes, seconds don't slow down for anything. I have been thinking a lot about the past year. Thursday 9/6 is Gerrell's birthday. He would have been 46. September 15 is our anniversary. It would have been our 6th had he still been here. Two more "firsts" to endure and I don't really like it. I guess it is a good thing that time keeps going. These two days will pass and I'm sure I will be just fine. Just reminds me how much I miss him.

Rain

I am reminded today of how something can be looked as being both good and bad. So much of Minnesota/Western Wisconsin has been crying for rain for much of the summer. Over the past couple of days the rain has come down nice and slow at my house and is nourishing God's earth in the perfect way. That same thing--rain--is causing much destruction and pain in southeastern Minnesota/southwestern Wisconsin tonight. So many people displaced from their homes, have lost loved ones to the floods, etc. I pray God will show them peace and love tonight.

Lack of inspiration

Many times over the past few weeks I have opened up my blog to create a new post. For some reason I haven't been able to come up with anything that I would call interesting to write about. I marvel at those who find a topic to write about every day. How can I find inspiration? Maybe I just need a more exciting life.

Pretty Woman

I have loved the movie "Pretty Woman" since it came out in 1990. I have seen it multiple times and love it more each time I see it. Once again I got sucked into watching it tonight. I think I love it so much because I hoped that same scenario would play out for me as I went through my 20's and 30's--that I would find someone who loved me for the person I was and didn't try and make me into someone I was not. I didn't date much until I met Gerrell in 1999. I was 37 when we met. I think my "standards" were too high as I progressed through my 30's. I had pretty much thought I was destined to be single the rest of my life. But then "my Prince" came along and I was swept away. I fell in love with him because he loved me for who I was. I miss my Prince so much. His love and companionship was the best gift I have ever been given.

God's plan

I have spent a lot to time looking back at my life. It is very clear to me that God definitely had a plan for me and that plan was fulfilled. Now...I only wish I knew what he had planned for me now. This weekend I have felt for the first time since Gerrell died that this house it way too big for me and the yard is too much to care for. I guess I will just keep praying that God will reveal to me what is next. In the meantime, I will try and practice patience--something I am not always good at.

Time flies

I can't believe it has been over a week since my last blog. Time sure flies. I find it hard sometimes to balance activities to keep my busy with quiet time at home. I wonder if all of the activities are just an excuse to not have to be home so much in the silence of being alone. I have always loved spending time at home but home is where are all the memories live also. Sometimes I sit at home and the tears flow freely for no apparent reason. I guess that is all part of the healing process. Maybe it would be good for me to spend more time in the silence.

Another hurdle overcome

Since my husband died in November, I have constantly encountered hurdles that I have had to overcome. This week I overcame yet another. When he was alive and I had to travel for my job, the phone calls that happened while I was gone were numerous. He asked that I call him when I was on my way to the airport, when I got to the airport, when I got through security, when I was on the plane, when the plane landed at my destination, when I got to the hotel---I think you get the idea. On Tuesday I took my first trip since he died and there was a huge aspect of my travel missing. I didn't have him to call. It was a very lonely feeling knowing there wasn't anyone at home who was worrying about me. The comforting thing is I know he was watching over me from heaven. Thanks for being my angel Honey.

Struggling with unworthiness

Life really is a puzzle that is many times difficult to figure out. I am so thankful for my relationship with Jesus and the promise of salvation I have. Why don't I show that thankfulness more? I get so mad at myself sometimes. The least I could do is take some time out of each day to talk to Him and read His word. Why can't I make that happen? I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I can't even to that which makes me ask how in the world I deserve all He has given me. Because I am still adapting to life widowed person, I think I have put so much energy into keeping myself busy with other things which includes not spending much time at home. I really need to rethink that and do better at doing the things that truly count. That will be my prayer tonight.

Can it continue?

I have always been very cognizant of the need to try and be as healthy as I can. I was doing pretty good with this up until the time my husband got sick in March 2006. It has just been so hard to get in the routine again of getting my butt out of bed at 5:00am since he passed away. Well--I am happy to report I just returned from a morning walk for the second day in a row. The world really is a beautiful place at 5:00am! Hopefully I can continue this practice on a daily basis. My overall health is counting on it!

A shopper I am not

I know some people who consider shopping a sport and wonder why it hasn't been added as a formal Olympic event. I have never been a fan of shopping. In fact, most of my shopping is done via the Internet whenever possible. I even get my groceries via the web thanks to Simon Delivers now delivering to my area. I often wonder what is wrong with me. I am of the female gender and hate to shop. Next weekend we are celebrating my brother-in-law's birthday so I decided this afternoon I better try and find a gift for him. That meant I had to actually venture out to a store. Yikes! Luckily he had given me some suggestions. I got so lucky today. Not only did I find some great shirts for him but a store employee walking around the store gave me 25% of coupons. A bargain! Maybe this shopping thing isn't so bad after all!

All God's Creatures

I know that God made all creatures for a reason. Most of the time I love watching those creatures venture around the earth like they don't have a care in the world. Lately, however, I have not been so fond of the deer that reside in my development. I love to garden and watch the things I plant flourish and grow. However--things cannot flourish and grow when the deer chew off all of the new growth!!! OK--maybe that will help me feel better. I got a big bottle this great stuff (OK--it is not so great smelling but it works) from my Mom called Deer Pharm. It kept the deer away as long as I used it but now the bottle is gone and the deer have done their thing again. Lucky for me, I found a website to order more the stuff since I can't find it in any store. The deer won't be so lucky any more after the stuff comes!

Age is just a number---right?

Most of the time I don't think a lot about age. I have often just thought of it as a number as I didn't feel like I was getting any older. That opinion has come into question more often lately---particularly Friday morning of last week. I was invited to play on a sand volleyball team in Hudson on Thursday nights and last Thursday was our first night. I played volleyball on a regular basis up until 8 years ago. Who would think it would feel so different now? As I rolled out of bed on Friday morning with my sore muscles, I was quickly reminded exactly how old I have gotten. I am hoping the pain lessens as the weeks go by. :o)

Memories

I am totally new to this blogging thing. However I must admit this brings back memories of an online experience from the past. Back in May 1999, after completing graduate school, I decided to try an online dating site. Of note--this is not something I would normally do. I was encouraged to do so by a fellow graduate student who was afraid I was not going to know what to do with all of my time since I wouldn't have to study any more. As part of the set-up, I was asked to choose a "code" name for the site. I struggled with what to choose as a name when suddenly I remembered something one of the patients I cared for that day in the hospital said to me. He called me his "Careangel" because of the care I provided for him that day. Because I couldn't think of anything else, I decided to go with that. Little did I know what that name would mean for my future.

Someone else decided to try the online dating site around the same time. This wasn't something he had ever done before either but something told him to give it a try. While searching the site, he came upon the ad written by "Careangel". He didn't know what that name signified but he was curious. That "someone" was my husband Gerrell---who passed away in November of last year. Because using an online service like that was out of character for both of us, we were convinced from the beginning that God brought us together. Why else would we both decide to try this at the same time? God knew Gerrell was going to need a "Careangel". God works in mysterious ways, doesn't he?